The Life and Times of Epic Fist

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The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  Epic Fist on Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:31 pm

Real Name: xxxxxx xxxxxxxx (for the protection of the family he still has, Epic Fist's real name has been censored)

Known Aliases: Caouli, Rafael D'Angelo

Location: Metropolis

Team affiliations: Phantom Regiment

Powers: Epic Fist IS massive chi overload, the power of a universe dying and re-creating itself in a constant, unending pain in the ass cycle that continuously threatens to obliterate his entire being. Luckily in his exploits he has learned various forms of Space Kung-Fu and Cosmic Karate, which enable him to channel, cultivate and properly utilize the epic chi he generates. Even with these ancient and evolved Space techniques, it is barely enough to keep him from burning himself out of reality. Thankfully he has found another means of burning off enough energy: beating the everliving crap out of bad guys on a daily basis, and partying his ass off til he burns off enough energy that he can get some friggin sleep. Its a lot of partying that he is obligated to do Some would say an unhealthy amount, but it is for the good of the planet, for you see if it were not for his epic party hounding abilities he would go bat shit crazy and blow the hell up, taking who knows what with him. Also at times when he seems unstable, Superman sends him out to take out the space trash. Epic usually doesn't realize it til he's outside the watchtower, floating around in Space with said Space trash. Sometimes Superman can be a dick.

Besides Epic Fist's fiery crazy chi, and all that Space Kung Fu he knows, he has also mastered various other fighting styles, from breakdance fighting to Puerto Rican Judo. You all know what I'm talkin bout.

Interesting Fact: Did you know that no one really can hear you scream in space? Sometimes I hate you, Superman.

Origin:
Epic Fist had always loved the comics. And Bruce Lee. And Bruce Lee Roy from the movie the Last Dragon. And Billy and Jimmy Lee from the Double Dragon arcade game. MAtter of fact as a kid he played the living hell out of some Double Dragon arcade game at the local candy store, matter of fact the owner of that candy store retired a few years later in no small part to the near endless amount of quarters young Epic had put into that souless machine. The young hero-to-be admired Superman's dedication and heart, but the heroes of his youth were Chuck Norris, the man who didn't push himself off the ground when he did push ups but in truth actually pushed the earth away from him, and Bruce Lee, who Epic was convinced could take on the supposed man of steel himself. Also, the entirely fictional character known as Iron Fist of Marvel Comics. Epic admired the dedication to kung fu, which he had been trained in since he was a child. Well, ok, he actually just jumped around and acted like a fool after watching Shaw Brother movies every Samurai Sunday on network tv, but he did so at a very early age and kept on until his parents FINALLY relented and sent him to martial arts class so he would shut the hell up about it already.

Kung-fu classes were nothing at all like in the comics or the movies and young Epic was like wtf this is some bullshit. But he stuck with it and eventually grew to love it so much, it became a cornerstone of his life. His parents would talk crap to him like "Wtf Kung fu ain't gonna pay the bills boy" and other nonsense like that. So he got into massage therapy, but for different reasons than he told his parents. While he did want to help people, the study of anatomy would give him invaluable insights on the human body, how it works as well as how it can be taken apart. I mean, that was something his parents just couldn't understand... how he could just kill a man! Apparently he was a huge Cypress Hill fan as well.

Anyhow Lex Luthor was buying up property left and right and was being a big jerk about it, because he was already bored from kicking puppies and drowning kittens that day. One such property being the building Epic was working and living out of at the time. So Lex Luthor being the biggest douche bag on the planet, not only does he evict and displace Epic from his job and livelyhood, he kidnaps him with a bunch of other hapless suckers and turns him into LexCorp's newest test subject in his super soldier experimental technologies department. Hopped up on exobytes given to Lex by his future self (read the comic, bitches), Epic was sent into space with a squad of elite bad asses to try and intercept Braniac and stomp face. Unfortunately all his comrades went mad (because Lex Luthor is fucktard) and they killed each other, not before irreparably damaging the ship's controls. Having accidentally slipped through a wormhole that may or may not have been created by John Crighton, he wound up on a space barbarian planet where the natives beat the everliving shit out of each other for fun. Enslaved, he was trained as a gladiator. It was here that he began learning his Space Kung Fu. The exobytes he was exposed to had cleared his energy meridians so his chi was totally mega, so he soaked up all that training, not to mention a whole bunch of cosmic radiation from the wormhole. (thanks a lot, science) Insert gladiator mantage here. Epic fought many battles, eventually led a rebellion of the slaves and totally kicked the hell out of this planet. They still kept on with the gladiator tournaments, cuz why not, that shit is epic. Even Lobo showed up to get a piece of the Fist. They were kicking each others hineys when Braniac showed up on the space barbarian planet. Epic and Lobo decided it better to finish their own fight at a later time, so as to deal with the dick bag Braniac. They never got a chance to because Braniac was a punk bitch and instead of coming down and fighting like a man he sent his pixie exobytes to do his dirty work. Anyways Epic's chi was raging out all crazy as the exobytes attempted to digitize him. By sheer force of will was he able to maintain his consciousness, atomizing his body so he wasn't destroyed by the exobyte feeding frenzy. So when Braniac showed up on earth, he actually showed up before Epic had been kidnapped by Lex Luthor (Wormhole, remember?) So when Braniac started digitizing Earth (right after Future Lex let loose the exobyte swarm) Epic was captured again for the first time. (whu?) Sensing his other self on the ship, the crazy digitized spirit chi of Epic Fist Conqueror of Space Barbarians and Space Kung Fu Master broke out and merged with his past self... though he had to reintegrate and start all over again at level 1. Nerfed. After he broke out. Lex Luthor sent him a Facebook message explaining how he planned all of this, to which Epic was like "kiss my converse, you muthafu@@a" Not long after that he was invited to run with the Phantoms, and is planning on throwing a Lex Luthor Beatdown Party and trashing the Hall of Doom as a bonding experience. Oh yeah, so when he was on the space barbarian planet, they called him Caouli, which meant something like "he who rapes face" or something like that. Now back on earth again, he goes by Rafael D'Angelo when he's out on the town, cuz it totally gets him laid.

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Re: The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  KnightRaven on Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:38 pm

it will take alot more than a name to get your fucked up batshit crazy ass laid bro

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Re: The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  Epic Fist on Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:35 am

Not really. My gf got no choice. Plus I can always pay for it when times are rough going. No shame in my game

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Re: The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  LordSilent on Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:52 pm

Dude that was some funny shit. Razz

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Re: The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  EbonyRaven on Thu Jul 14, 2011 2:10 pm

I agree, it would totally get you laid.

Funny as hell, great bio Smile
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Re: The Life and Times of Epic Fist

Post  Epic Fist on Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:23 am

Very Happy

Many thankyous

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